The time approaches...

So...soon my sister and I will be leaving for Arkansas and will be there for about three weeks. In fact, I leave in about 30 hours.

To tell the truth...I'm scared. I'm scared to go.

I can't fully explain why, but I am. I'm also afraid if I try to explain why I'm scared to go, I'll just sound like I'm whining. Why am I so afraid that people with judge me?

(maybe because they will...)

Some people would, anyway. Can't say the same for everyone, but some will.

Also...I've really been missing Nil. I kind of broke down the other day. I started thinking about him and wondering how he was doing and suddenly I just started sobbing. The unfortunate thing about it was that I was out with my mom at the time going through the drive-thrus to get dinner for the family. As soon as we got home I kind of locked myself in the bathroom and cried for a bit.

I miss his hugs. I miss hearing his voice. I miss his kisses. I miss talking with him about random things and just in general being with him. I miss feeling loved by someone who liked me and all my craziness (even though I get so depressed sometimes), and I miss being able to show him how much I love him. I want so badly just to hold him and tell him how much I love him and how amazing I believe he is. It's like I'm missing part of myself.

I suppose I sound really sappy, but that's how I feel. Unfortunately, I don't see us getting back together, since he's graduated and all. He has thought about moving back here to try to live and work, but I don't really know if he'll follow through with that thought. It would be a lot to handle on his own, and I don't know how much support his family will give him if he tries to do this.

Hopelessness and despair.

I'll get over it eventually, I suppose. With time the pain will dull, though I don't know if it will fully heal. I'll move on, and so will he. I can picture him in the future with a beautiful and brilliant wife and two or three small children running around. I'll probably remain single. In all honesty, I can't picture anyone wanting to date me, and at this point in time I can't picture myself dating anyone but Nil. I guess in my mind and heart the two of us are still together, but in reality that is no longer the case. It'll take a while before I get fully used to being single again, I guess.

For now...I have to deal with the little twinges that come when they come. Hopefully I won't break down while I'm in Arkansas. I don't really want to try to explain all of this to my grandmother. It's hard enough to talk to my own mother about all this, and she won't even be there during my stay with my grandparents. How am I going to be able to cope with all this?