Upset

Maybe it's because I'm tired, but after talking with Nil tonight, I was suddenly reminded of all the things I missed about my horseman, all the things I wish we could do, and things I wish we could've had tome to do. Now I just feel tired, lonely, sad, and sick.

Oh, I may also be getting sick. I've found a couple of infected spots in my mouth and throat. They're small, but bothersome. Just in time for finals and going to see my beloved horseman.

I'll just go cry in my pillow now. Maybe I'll trick my tired brain into thinking I'm actually cuddling with someone and can get some sleep this way. Then again, maybe not.

Responses to...dumb people...

So, a friend of mine found this link and posted it. He was outraged. And quite rightly.

http://i.imgur.com/Pp4oA.jpg

So...reading all those make me quite angry. Very very angry.

Everyone in that link was referencing Pearl Harbor, yes? Pearl Harbor was a horrible tragedy that launched the United States into a very bloody, extremely horrifying World War where many of our men died. Yes, it was horrible. Yes, it was an atrocity.

Did anyone remember we dropped two nuclear bombs on populated cities full of civilians, destroying those cities and irradiating the countryside there so that the children of the people who lived there, children who were innocent of the past generation's actions, were terribly affected? Yes, it brought an end to the war on the Japanese front, but no one can say that the decision to drop those bombs did not bring about horrific tragedies. If you believe in "karma", Japan already had their share a long time ago.

(Personal interjection here: War is terrible. Neither Japan nor the United States made decisions that were perfect, and people suffered on both sides. I don't really think either country could be considered the "good guys" here.)

Since then Japan has been a wonderful source of technological improvements, especially in software (if I'm not mistaken) and many other countries besides Japan have profited from this, especially the United States! If anything, Japan has been a wonderful country to be friends with if only because the United States has benefited, though it is better to be friends and allies with a country than enemies, for the most part. In my opinion.

Now, with the recent devastating earthquakes, tsunamis, and potential nuclear disasters, all these people saying that Japan has earned this and deserves this is...dumbfounding! As one of these idiots has mentioned, it's been nearly 70 years since Pearl Harbor. Most of the veterans are very old, if they are still living. Most of the people suffering from these disasters? People our parents' age and younger. Most weren't even alive during Pearl Harbor!

My question is, how dare these idiots be so callous? Yes, Obama wants to send aid to Japan because these people are suffering the effects of a NATURAL DISASTER? Does anyone remember Katrina? Remember how devastating that was?

Thousands of people are dead. Homes...towns have been wiped off the face of the earth. Power plants on the verge of nuclear disaster. How can these people on facebook dare to be so heartless and deaf to the suffering of the people in Japan? Most of them weren't alive during Pearl Harbor, American or Japanese, so how can anyone blame the Japanese for the devastation they are facing right now?

Being Honest

So, I had a fight over facebook with a guy that I considered my friend about a month back. This guy I've known for a couple years. I trusted him. He was angry with me, so I wanted to hear why to see if we could work through things. He then unleashed a tirade at me of everything I've done that he was angry about. He was angry that I was actually happy being with this guy even though I had expressed a lot of nervous-ness and doubts before (He called me a hypocrite), he was angry that I would ask him for rides and that it didn't occur to me to offer some gas money (I'm sorry, I don't drive anymore so this doesn't occur to me unless you mention it), he was angry that when I did ask for rides I would guilt him into it (He said I sounded passive-aggressive and forced him into giving me rides. I'm sorry, I didn't realize!).

Of course, I was extremely angry. I was shaking, I was so angry. After the anger faded...I was hurt.

To make things worse, the next day (my birthday, 30 minutes before a party that he had been invited to so he knew about it) he called me to ask if I could help him clean his new roommate's old house! Excuse me?

He's back to being his normal self again, and is baffled as to why I'm not my normal self. I tried to explain why I was hurt. His reaction was, "Do you want remorse from me? Guilt?"

No, asshole, I want you to understand.

So I stopped talking to him. For a month. Finally I thought, "Well...maybe I can talk to him again...he knows how to contact me if he wants to."

Last night he started facebook chatting with me, basically saying he wanted the two of us to be ok again. I tried to explain why we weren't in the first place. He basically took everything, and instead of trying to understand things from my perspective, he twisted everything so that he came out to be blameless and I was the only one at fault for feeling the way I did. He even said that any feeling of being attacked that I got from his "being honest" was entirely my take on it, and that he's not sorry for it one bit.

You know what? There's a way to be honest with your friend without pulling out your Sword of Truth and stabbing me with it.

Work study fail

So, I tried to get work-study last semester so that I could work with the theater department's master electrician as one of the student electricians. I was all excited because I really did enjoy the work and feeling useful, and even learning more about lights, sound, and media. I was also excited about being able to work with every and able to actually earn a paycheck. However I was not able to get work-study, so I went to financial aid today to see why. Basically, it's because I was deemed to not "need" it, financially. So, as it is, I cannot get work study, so I don't know if I can get hired at all or if I could work for maybe one day a week. I don't know.

*sigh*

Disappoint.

Fighting, worries, and such

So I'm a little worried about tonight. Brandon and I fought some time ago. It was all just really really bad. We stopped talking. Well, I stopped talking to him anyway. He invited me over tonight. I'm more than a bit nervous about tonight. We'll see how it goes, right?

I'm also a bit worried about my wrists. Too much crocheting I guess. My forearms just...hurt. So much. I just wish I could ask someone to help me out by massaging my arms or something because it's so painful, but I'm alone and don't really have someone to ask. I think I need to wait a few days before I can go back to crocheting. It just hurts so much. (ouch...)

I'm trying to help myself and do what I can, but there's only so much I can do. Hopefully it'll be better tomorrow?

Not even here for 24 hours, and disaster strikes

So, I arrived in Arkansas. Everything is going fine. Found our grandparents, came home. Everyone's happy.

Next day, try to find my wallet. It's gone.

I think I lost it between the airport and my grandparents' house, and it's highly doubtful that it will be seen again.

Right now I feel just about as bad as I did when my computer and other possessions were stolen from me, except that this time it is COMPLETELY my fault. I can't blame anyone else. I lost it, and all the important contents inside. I feel like an idiot.

I already did the "Extreme Anger" and "Sobbing While Clutching a Stuffed Animal" bit. (Don't make fun of me. It helped.) Now I just feel drained and empty, except for just the hopeless feeling that's at the pit of my stomach. I'm an idiot.

The time approaches...

So...soon my sister and I will be leaving for Arkansas and will be there for about three weeks. In fact, I leave in about 30 hours.

To tell the truth...I'm scared. I'm scared to go.

I can't fully explain why, but I am. I'm also afraid if I try to explain why I'm scared to go, I'll just sound like I'm whining. Why am I so afraid that people with judge me?

(maybe because they will...)

Some people would, anyway. Can't say the same for everyone, but some will.

Also...I've really been missing Nil. I kind of broke down the other day. I started thinking about him and wondering how he was doing and suddenly I just started sobbing. The unfortunate thing about it was that I was out with my mom at the time going through the drive-thrus to get dinner for the family. As soon as we got home I kind of locked myself in the bathroom and cried for a bit.

I miss his hugs. I miss hearing his voice. I miss his kisses. I miss talking with him about random things and just in general being with him. I miss feeling loved by someone who liked me and all my craziness (even though I get so depressed sometimes), and I miss being able to show him how much I love him. I want so badly just to hold him and tell him how much I love him and how amazing I believe he is. It's like I'm missing part of myself.

I suppose I sound really sappy, but that's how I feel. Unfortunately, I don't see us getting back together, since he's graduated and all. He has thought about moving back here to try to live and work, but I don't really know if he'll follow through with that thought. It would be a lot to handle on his own, and I don't know how much support his family will give him if he tries to do this.

Hopelessness and despair.

I'll get over it eventually, I suppose. With time the pain will dull, though I don't know if it will fully heal. I'll move on, and so will he. I can picture him in the future with a beautiful and brilliant wife and two or three small children running around. I'll probably remain single. In all honesty, I can't picture anyone wanting to date me, and at this point in time I can't picture myself dating anyone but Nil. I guess in my mind and heart the two of us are still together, but in reality that is no longer the case. It'll take a while before I get fully used to being single again, I guess.

For now...I have to deal with the little twinges that come when they come. Hopefully I won't break down while I'm in Arkansas. I don't really want to try to explain all of this to my grandmother. It's hard enough to talk to my own mother about all this, and she won't even be there during my stay with my grandparents. How am I going to be able to cope with all this?