Not even here for 24 hours, and disaster strikes

So, I arrived in Arkansas. Everything is going fine. Found our grandparents, came home. Everyone's happy.

Next day, try to find my wallet. It's gone.

I think I lost it between the airport and my grandparents' house, and it's highly doubtful that it will be seen again.

Right now I feel just about as bad as I did when my computer and other possessions were stolen from me, except that this time it is COMPLETELY my fault. I can't blame anyone else. I lost it, and all the important contents inside. I feel like an idiot.

I already did the "Extreme Anger" and "Sobbing While Clutching a Stuffed Animal" bit. (Don't make fun of me. It helped.) Now I just feel drained and empty, except for just the hopeless feeling that's at the pit of my stomach. I'm an idiot.

The time approaches...

So...soon my sister and I will be leaving for Arkansas and will be there for about three weeks. In fact, I leave in about 30 hours.

To tell the truth...I'm scared. I'm scared to go.

I can't fully explain why, but I am. I'm also afraid if I try to explain why I'm scared to go, I'll just sound like I'm whining. Why am I so afraid that people with judge me?

(maybe because they will...)

Some people would, anyway. Can't say the same for everyone, but some will.

Also...I've really been missing Nil. I kind of broke down the other day. I started thinking about him and wondering how he was doing and suddenly I just started sobbing. The unfortunate thing about it was that I was out with my mom at the time going through the drive-thrus to get dinner for the family. As soon as we got home I kind of locked myself in the bathroom and cried for a bit.

I miss his hugs. I miss hearing his voice. I miss his kisses. I miss talking with him about random things and just in general being with him. I miss feeling loved by someone who liked me and all my craziness (even though I get so depressed sometimes), and I miss being able to show him how much I love him. I want so badly just to hold him and tell him how much I love him and how amazing I believe he is. It's like I'm missing part of myself.

I suppose I sound really sappy, but that's how I feel. Unfortunately, I don't see us getting back together, since he's graduated and all. He has thought about moving back here to try to live and work, but I don't really know if he'll follow through with that thought. It would be a lot to handle on his own, and I don't know how much support his family will give him if he tries to do this.

Hopelessness and despair.

I'll get over it eventually, I suppose. With time the pain will dull, though I don't know if it will fully heal. I'll move on, and so will he. I can picture him in the future with a beautiful and brilliant wife and two or three small children running around. I'll probably remain single. In all honesty, I can't picture anyone wanting to date me, and at this point in time I can't picture myself dating anyone but Nil. I guess in my mind and heart the two of us are still together, but in reality that is no longer the case. It'll take a while before I get fully used to being single again, I guess.

For now...I have to deal with the little twinges that come when they come. Hopefully I won't break down while I'm in Arkansas. I don't really want to try to explain all of this to my grandmother. It's hard enough to talk to my own mother about all this, and she won't even be there during my stay with my grandparents. How am I going to be able to cope with all this?

Hearts hurt more when they break slowly

So...I am technically single. Have been since the end of spring semester. Yet I still have the thought in my mind that I'm taken, part of a couple. Like I still belong to someone and that someone belongs to me. It sounds silly, but while my facebook status says I'm single, my mind and heart still believe that I'm not.

When I talk to my ex-boyfriend, sometimes I feel like the two of us are almost still acting as though we are still in a relationship (we've tried to remain friends, you see), and yet as more and more time passes I feel slightly more distracted whenever we talk. I can tell he's not really committed to talking to me, either. On the rare occasions I do hear from him, he is distracted and doesn't really...talk to me. It's more like the "uh-huh. mhmm" you'll get from someone who is just saying stuff to make it seem like they're listening.

I don't know. I guess I'm feeling tossed aside and rejected again. Is this what a break-up feels like? I suppose that they do. First time for everything, right?

broken bodies

So...yet another thing to worry about. Ever since last summer my wrists have been giving me a lot of trouble. Constant pain, aches, slight weakness, that sort of thing. Makes it difficult/impossible to do any sort of craft (which is killing me), holding open a book, carrying things in my hands, typing, writing, most anything. From the way the chiropractor talked about it, it was my fault for damaging my wrists from crocheting non-stop all spring semester and summer, which then means that I am a stubborn idiot who is the cause for her own pain. Same thing with my ankle. It's my fault for pushing myself even though I was in extreme pain.

I HAVE MYSELF AND ONLY MYSELF TO BLAME. (makes me despise myself more and more everyday)

Anyway...I'm worried about my wrists because it's probably very likely that I'm going to have to have surgery on them eventually...

I'm terrified of surgery, really. Especially on something as vital to me as my hands. I use those for nearly everything! What if something goes wrong? What bothers me even more, I guess, is that I hate not being able to do things because of being physical incapability. I can't run much, because of my asthma and my ankle. I can't crochet or create much at all anymore because of my wrists, nor am I able to spend as much time on my computer (ironic, isn't it?) because of the blasted wrists, which means less communication with my friends/whoever actually wants to talk to me. As it is, my left wrist is beginning to ache somewhat as I type this, and it will only get worse as time goes on.

I keep telling myself that I can't be falling apart like this! I'M ONLY 20 FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! I'm not old, am I? Or am I just so broken already that my body will start breaking down for the sake of it?

I'm just scared...

And the return of the lonely blues

I don't quite understand why, but for the past few days I've just been...depressed. There hasn't been too many happy moments or even times I felt like I could smile away for the day, except I suppose when I was at my dance lesson, but that's only 45 minutes out of three or four days. That's not enough to feel like it's worth it to get out of bed in the morning or to do much of anything. Even when I was at the college pastor's house playing card games with a bunch of church friends (whom I have not seen in a very long time) I felt like I was one or two upsetting thoughts away from bursting into tears.

I've just been missing everything. I miss Nil, very badly. I miss my friends, and I feel like I've neglected them all year, so now I'm even more alone than I was before. Very few people talk to me at all (and why should they when I haven't seen them much all year?), and there's really no reason for me to get up to do anything because I have nothing to do! I feel totally and utterly useless and like I have no purpose, which really, I don't.

My parents are also sending my sister and me up to my grandparents' for three weeks. Normally I'd be alright with going to see my grandma and grandpa, but three weeks is a very long time (we're normally there for one), my parents aren't coming with us, and I won't be able to keep in contact with my friends very well because I won't have much internet access, cell phone reception is horrible, and I won't even be able to stay up late to talk to them when they are online. My grandparents live on a cattle farm in the middle of a state that is not very populated, just outside of an extremely small town that I am sure does not have many people my age. Besides, I don't know anyone out there besides my grandparents and my aunt and uncle. I've got a cousin who lives a couple hours away, but not having a car makes it difficult for me go to and visit her.

I'm mostly worried that my sister and I will be doing pretty much the same thing we do here at home, just more laundry and house-cleaning, since that's what we're supposed to be doing for them anyway. I will still be friend-less, even more so than I am now, lonely, and even more hopeless than I am now. And it will last for three weeks. After a week and a half I get antsy. I don't know how I'm going to survive three weeks without a few breakdowns, which I definitely don't want to have in front of my grandparents or my aunt and uncle.

Now, I realize that I probably sound extremely whiny at this point, but I just...I don't know...all I want to do is cry and sleep away the summer. That's what this sad blog is for, isn't it?

Drama...drama...drama...

So, I nearly cried two or three times when I was over at a friend's house today. Somehow I ended up talking quite a bit about my life before I moved out here and got to know these two particular friends. Turns out I had quite a bit more drama in my life than I realized and it affected/still affects me quite a bit.

Well, to be honest, I know I've had problems in my past with people and situations and such. I just...usually don't think about them, I guess, or I ignore them at the time until much later when the damage has most certainly already been done. And even then, I don't usually line all the traumatic events one after the other all at once. But tonight I did.

At least, I talked about many things. Not quite all of them, because I definitely would have started sobbing then, but I talked about many many things that have occurred. And...I guess it hit me on...how much life can just suck.

I ended up not crying at my friend's place, though I may cry now that I'm in my room on my own when everyone else in the house is asleep. Just got to make sure I don't wake them up, is all.

What am I doing?

So...I'm not sure what I'm doing at all. I feel like I have no mission or goal and that I'm drifting. Who do I talk to about this?

People can be such...such...AAAAAAGH!!!!

Let me put it simply. I have a dear friend in another state that I've known since Jr. High, and while he can be very different at times, he's a sweet sweet guy that's probably one of the greatest friends I have or every will have.

Two "friends" of his basically said EXTREMELY HURTFUL THINGS behind his back, and he found out about it. Understandably, he is now very upset. As am I. How could they do this to him?!

My first gut reaction is go fly back there, visit these two, and hurt them severely, but of course, I can't do that. One, they wouldn't sit there and let me do that. Two, the law would be after me in a heartbeat. Three...yeah, God wouldn't be pleased with that reaction...

Why did these two false friends do this to him?! They were friends! Or, more accurately, they acted like his friends...

One of the most hurtful things that can happen is being attacked like that by people you called "friend"...I've been there, and I definitely don't wish that on others. It's very painful. I definitely wish that my dear friend didn't have to go through this...

Blast my wrists...

So, first of all, I love to crochet. I. LOVE. CROCHET. It's so much fun, and I love actually having something at the end of all my work that I can use! The problem is...my wrists.

Apparently I crocheted so much during the past summer that I injured my wrists. Both of them! Being on the computer much of the time didn't help. So now, I find that if I crochet for more than 30 minutes at a time and if I don't take breaks (as in at least a day in between), then one or both of my wrists start giving me havoc. So much PAIN!

Needless to say, this is happening at the moment. Currently my left wrist refuses to do anything but ache horribly especially if I happen to do anything like pick up my crochet hook. "But you're right-handed!" I hear you say. "Why is your LEFT wrist hurting?"

Believe me, I have no idea, but it's bad. I really want this to stop. One, because pain is not fun. Two, I want to go back to making things!

I'm worried that I'll develop severe arthritis, or carpal tunnel, or some other really bad condition in my wrists, and I'm only 20! This isn't good at all! It makes me want to do something like *headwall* repeatedly.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder....and lonely

There is that famous and clichéd saying that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" which can be true in many cases. I certainly felt that way when Nil went off to Malaysia for winter break, but...it also can make the heart colder and lonely.

Anyway, just a short thought.