And the return of the lonely blues

I don't quite understand why, but for the past few days I've just been...depressed. There hasn't been too many happy moments or even times I felt like I could smile away for the day, except I suppose when I was at my dance lesson, but that's only 45 minutes out of three or four days. That's not enough to feel like it's worth it to get out of bed in the morning or to do much of anything. Even when I was at the college pastor's house playing card games with a bunch of church friends (whom I have not seen in a very long time) I felt like I was one or two upsetting thoughts away from bursting into tears.

I've just been missing everything. I miss Nil, very badly. I miss my friends, and I feel like I've neglected them all year, so now I'm even more alone than I was before. Very few people talk to me at all (and why should they when I haven't seen them much all year?), and there's really no reason for me to get up to do anything because I have nothing to do! I feel totally and utterly useless and like I have no purpose, which really, I don't.

My parents are also sending my sister and me up to my grandparents' for three weeks. Normally I'd be alright with going to see my grandma and grandpa, but three weeks is a very long time (we're normally there for one), my parents aren't coming with us, and I won't be able to keep in contact with my friends very well because I won't have much internet access, cell phone reception is horrible, and I won't even be able to stay up late to talk to them when they are online. My grandparents live on a cattle farm in the middle of a state that is not very populated, just outside of an extremely small town that I am sure does not have many people my age. Besides, I don't know anyone out there besides my grandparents and my aunt and uncle. I've got a cousin who lives a couple hours away, but not having a car makes it difficult for me go to and visit her.

I'm mostly worried that my sister and I will be doing pretty much the same thing we do here at home, just more laundry and house-cleaning, since that's what we're supposed to be doing for them anyway. I will still be friend-less, even more so than I am now, lonely, and even more hopeless than I am now. And it will last for three weeks. After a week and a half I get antsy. I don't know how I'm going to survive three weeks without a few breakdowns, which I definitely don't want to have in front of my grandparents or my aunt and uncle.

Now, I realize that I probably sound extremely whiny at this point, but I just...I don't know...all I want to do is cry and sleep away the summer. That's what this sad blog is for, isn't it?